CASEY LYRICS

1. Bloom

I aged by days on afternoons behind those shades, in a darkened room my body lay, tumours blooming in my brain. I am consumed by an unfulfilling sadness, not even misery loves me.
I am alone, and I’m afraid I always will be.

My mother knows that I am sick, but I hate that she can’t understand that whilst I am grateful for her love, it won’t stop the shaking of my hands. I can’t apologise enough; I live a life devoid of love.

And I always thought I could escape this, like silence would help me to sleep. I found no bliss in my ignorance, I found no love where you said it would be.

No Heaven without Hell beneath.
No misery before you and me.
Too busy pulling out my teeth to bite the hand that made me weak.

I sleep with discontent, sorrow creeps around my neck and I fear that I may choke to death.
Your name still hangs in every note, and I’ve tried to fumigate my throat; just as together as we are alone.

No Heaven without Hell beneath.
No misery before you and me.
Too busy pulling out my teeth to bite the hand that made me weak

2. Little Bird

Lay awake or sleep for days, you wouldn't notice either way. Couldn't help you with your pain, but always hoped that you were safe.
It took hours of silent phone calls for me to finally realise that just because you act with the best of intentions, it doesn't necessarily mean that you can't be wrong.

I thought my heart could be our home, but all you thought of was the cage. Praying for the sun, beneath my ribs you sat in shade. You were my little bird and I saw fit to clip your wings, and then resented you because for me you never chose to sing.

So there was silence in the house, the hallways echoed with a growing doubt that we would never make it out of the Hell that we created.

I guess that's why it never felt like home, because we'd lay together but were still alone. Desperate for the warmth of someone's comfort but not our own. We were always vacant, nothing more; we spoke until our throats were sore. Our hearts lay on the bedroom floor, and
one was mine, but both were yours.

I'm sorry I could never find the words to say, I had chewed them all into my tongue. Your negligence has left me frail.
I never asked to fall in love so young.

I know I promised not to call again, but I've still got so much to say. I hope to God that you are sleeping well, I hope that someday you will ache the way I ache.

Someday you will ache the way I ache.

3. Darling

Sleep seems to evade me; I just spend the whole night pacing in the hallway where I used to hear your footsteps on the floor. I've been so low, and maybe I've been thinking about us lately, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore.

I just called to say "I'm sorry, darling, but I've been wasting my time rotting the teeth out of my head", trying hard to swallow the sweetest sentiments that I can't express.

And I know that you told me to leave you alone, but yours is still the only love I've ever known.

4. Sleep

If I'd have known that from the minute I was born, that the price of my existence would be the weight of expectation, then I wouldn't fucking be here. How can I focus on the life I'm supposed to lead, when every day I struggle with existing?

I've dug a hole so deep in my mind that I can no longer see the light of the sun, I can no longer hear the voices of people I love.
And I've been breaking my hands, trying to carry the burden that I've placed on myself. I'm so afraid of the end, I've lead myself to believe that I may never be happy again.

I think the hardest part of all is trying to justify my habitual self-deprecation, when I am constantly surrounded by sources of love and affection.
I know that I'm not on my own, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm in this alone; there's no one that I feel safe with.

All I've wanted for so long, is to succumb to a sleep I'm unafraid of.

Give me the strength to love myself, as I am told that I am loved. May I believe, despite my doubt, that someday I'll be good enough.
Hindsight is a miserable thing, when you don't know where you're going and you don't care where you've been.

5. Happy

Are you happy?
Are you happy?
Are you happy?
Are you happy?

6. Haze

How much do you remember about those summers we spent together? Because I don't seem to be able to recall all those things I thought that I'd miss, your perfume and your sun kissed skin, turns out they meant nothing all along. I was haunted by the emptiness that filled the hole you left, a grave I still can't bring myself to visit yet. Though I won't be losing sleep, I still refuse to forget, it took me so long to admit we were dead;
But we were dead.

You buried it in the backyard of a house that we built with our bare hands where you said we'd grow old together. I felt safe there, I knew every crooked frame and every creaking stair. I could have stayed my whole fucking life, but time was never a friend of mine.

I got so scared that I disappeared into my head for 8 lonely years and it killed me, but it hurt you too, and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry but you weren't there when I needed you most. I felt like I was a ghost of someone you used to love, but I was never enough to save us.

Are you happy? Are you happy?

So tell me, is it serious between you and him? I hope to God that he makes you happy, I hope I never hear your name again.

Now the home we made is nothing more than a house, where we fucked and we ate, but never fell in love. You're sleeping in the bed we made, with somebody else.
Are you happy?
Are you fucking happy?

7. Passion Flowers

Sitting at the corner of our bed where the roots of our love had dug themselves deeply into the mattress, but the passion flowers had long since bloomed and died, I sit and stare blankly at the magnolia walls of your room. For somebody so vibrant you always had such a bland, uninspired eye for decoration, as though the dancing colours in your head didn't translate right upon application; but you did always used to tell me that the neutral space would help you unwind once the world had worn you down.

I imagine the lives of the lovers who had laid their bones here before us, the flaws of their love now lying dormant, like the burn marks of house fires hidden beneath fresh wallpaper. Now we too were ready to be painted over, completely forgotten about save for the scars we carry beneath our poorly fitted clothes. White rags tied to old bones that signal surrender without dignity. A defeat less gracious, and more begrudged, because even children are capable of love; but we weren't.

8. Ceremony

So thoroughly convinced that the product of persistence was a love that I'd been told of when I was just a kid, I was wed to my misery, in the hope that at the ceremony you'd interject, but you never did. Now seven years on, bitter and resentful, I still contemplate what
I did to deserve the glimpses of affection you used to distract me, as you were filing my teeth to the nerve.

I know you were the death of me, but still, in spite of everything, I hope that you are finding sleep while I still lay awake. Although my throat is burning now, it's still so quiet in the house. The emptiness you occupied is more than I can take.

Tell me, are you ashamed? 'Cause I felt alone, and you watched as I decayed, I slipped through your hands as I faded. I've tried to forget, but your love will make a museum of me yet, I hope you know how long I've waited.

Though reservoirs of self-disgust have swollen up inside my lungs, Pulmonary Oedema is no substitute for love that once lay its head upon my chest, a comfort cradled motionless, but I have come undone.
My love is not enough.
I know it's hard to watch your light fade from my eyes, but darling for my sake you've got to let it die. My weathered hands have dug this grave enough, it's time for us to bury our love.

Tell me, are you ashamed? 'Cause I felt alone and you watched as I decayed, I slipped through your hands as I faded. I've tried to forget, but your love will make a museum of me yet, it kills me to say I'm still waiting.

9. Cavities

You were convulsing in the next room,
so I lay awake in bed;
prayed to a God I don't believe in,
so that he may keep you safe.
I could hear my father's fingers
carve their way into the wood of your door frame;
mother shaking,
as your eyes rolled back into your head again.

Just as we thought death would prevail,
febrile response gave way to pale,
cavities to fingernails,
anxiety had left me frail.
But I felt then as I feel now,
despite the detriment you've faced,
it is your warmth that's made me proud.
Though I barely remember,
it was you who smoothed my ache
in the depth of my depression,
I thought my life was mine to take.

But I am forever in your debt
for things that you could never say;
all the love that I have felt,
you gave, with no intention to take.
I am as the moon,
any affection that my glow is the subject of,
belongs to you.
For I am nothing more than a reflection of you,
and your love.

10. Doubt

For all of my noise I am nothing more than a sensitive child;
I'm sorry, I'm tired, guess I haven't slept in a while.
It's hard to be honest with myself,
but I should have been honest with you.
Of all of the flowers I planted,
doubt was the brightest to bloom;
I never had too much to offer to you.

So lay me, restless,
inside the cage that my body will make of my bones
as I slowly waste away;
I'm sorry, my darling,
I'm still so afraid, that the flowers you've grown
on the grave of our love will remain,
long after my memory fades.

I promise that someday I'll make up,
for all the mistakes that I've made.

11. Mourning

I birthed breath to grief I couldn't understand, that knew only authenticity as my melancholy hands, shook beneath the weight of something you had once entrusted me to hold. In growing old, I only long to be consoled.

But instead I have been left as just a vessel for my aches; a crooked spine that buckled once, but never thought to heal the break.

Now nostalgia comes home once a week, drunk and delusional, slurring her speech. She talks about trying again, slumped heavy on the frame of the door to the room where I wait.

I barely said a word at all,
scared to tell you how I felt.

Has my memory decayed? I don't remember falling into love and it kills me every day. I hope I never fucking hear your name again. Carry me, lifeless and afraid, back to our bed.

But truth be told it never felt like we were laying together sleeping. Only that my broken body had been crushed between your sheets, like dead flowers between the pages of a journal you never read any more, you just flick through it when you're bored. The only time you
ever call is to remind me of something that we never were.
Were we anything at all?

No Heaven without Hell beneath,
in misery without you and me.
Your memory won't let me sleep,
I never thought I'd be so weak.

Now lonely is as lonely was, no more than a memory. I can't deny it any more, our love is dead and buried. Senseless, I've been caring for the house that we called home.

Hell was loving you at all my dear,
because now I'm alone.





CASEY LYRICS