LAWNMOWER DETH LYRICS

1. Return Of The Fabulous Metal Bozo Clowns

Bring back denim
With lovely patches on
And stupid girly bonnets
And Donny Osmond,
Do you really know
What I'd like to twat
Are those seventies glam bands
With haircuts so crap,
You think you had attitude
Did you think you were tough
You've got to be joking
With haircut like muff,
Now you've passed on
All your worldly skills
To the next generation
Who think its a brill,
To block up my lungs
Block up the gents
With lipstick and hairspray
Where are the men?
Did you leave behind
As your symbol token
A load of crap songs
And a lampost that was broken?
You're always played at weddings
At new year, barmitzers and charity
Just fuck off back into the seventies
And stop plaguing me,
Especially when I turn on the TV
And there you are again
On a naff clothing advert
Well its improved, it's full of women,
It's the return of the metal bozos clowns
Here it comes
The big clown rap
About those seventies people I want to slap,
Vander Graf Atomic
Rooster Are first in line
For a sawn off shooter
Next in line Noddy Holder and Slade
How much cash
Do they want to make,
Merry Christmas
Everybody
That record is truly sorry,
They just keeping re-releasing
Every year it sounds even more appalling,
The seventies go down In history
As a shameful embarassing
Memory, Joker bands
For the weak and feeble
The only saving grace
Was Pan's People,
At least a few
Were truely great
They escaped
The glamorous glittered fate,
Johnny Lydon Stiv Bator
MC5 Or the Dictators
But they keep re-releasing
Every year it sounds even more appalling,
It's the return of the metal bozo clowns

2. Jaggered Wedge

I spend all my money
On beer, sweeties and porn
I part with cash with china milkwomen
Rocking until the dawn,
I wake with an overhang
Sore knob and a beer back
Did I really spend all that dosh
In a frenzied moolah attack,
Ooh, oooh oooh ooh
Jaggered Wedge
At the end what have I left
Fuck all, just a Jaggered wedge

3. Bad Toad

A said Bob
What you doin' there
Sat in the fridge
With your balding greasy hair
Lookin' like a doughnut
Big fat and blown up,
A said
What ya trying to do
Give me a scare
Sitting there
With raspberries in your hair,
It's not fair
Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah
Are you a toad in the hole
Larding round and getting old
Or have you been drinking bongwater
OR WHAT!

4. Feet Cleaner

I've paid my money
So where's my swag
I've paid good money
For a regal shag,
You're breasts are pert
And you smell so sweet
So why do you wash
My rancid feet,
I fell for you my love
And your girl like charm
It's a shame that my feet
Smell like a pig farm,
They came between us
Tore us apart
So cleanse my tootsies
Make them unarmed,
Feetcleaner
They came between us
Chiropadise
Is to compromise
So my love so sweet
Can get past my feet,
The course of true love
It never ran straight
'Cos I've been taken away
From my primal mate,
She was a tart I was in a band
But at least I rooted
Her sweaty gland,
They came between us tore us apart
So cleanse my tootsies make them unarmed,
Got to get up I've gotta get up What?
What?
What?
Got to get up
Woof woof woof
Feetcleaner
They came between us

5. Drunk In Charge Of An Ugly Face

Went out drinking late last night
Had some beers it affectd my sight
Stopped by the I was for jumping a light
Took down the station and read my rights,
He said,
Drunk in charge of an ugly face you're
Banned for life its a fucking disgrace

6. Paraniod Polaroid

She was just seventeen
If you know what I mean
When she appeared unclean
In a gentlemen's magazine,
I was at the barbers shop
Getting my hair cut
Picked up amateur photographer
Just for a quick look,
There on the pages
Spread in front of me
To my untimely horror
Was virginal sweet
Shirley,
Lying there in a bath of milk
She's showing skin as smooth as silk
With her legs spread a kimbo
My daughters a naked bimbo
My daughters a naked bimbo,
Out of the hairdresser (hairdresser)
Pent full of rage
(rage, rage)
My daughters image (image)
I have to save (save, save),
Down to the newsagent (agents)
Full speed and stealth
(stealth, stealth)
I'll buy every copy (copy)
Wipe out the top shelf (shelf, shelf)
Paranoid
Polaroid did your daddy read up on his Freud!
Then I'll confront
Shirley And ask her what's the game
Why her legs were round her neck
Has she got any shame?
"I didn't know what I was doing
Honestly I did'nt
Daddy He just came in through the front door Camera, smiles all happy",
Said "Little girl It's flesh for cash
So grab your Matey And get in the bath",
Nobody will ever find out Why don't you use a false name
Like Sue from Durbon Or Rod,
Freddy or Jane, But you know that I found out
Because in that mag I peeked
So bugger off up to bed
And no supper for a weak

7. Frash For Cash

Are we in it for the kids,
No way,
Frash for cash,
Frash for cash

8. Crazy Horses

[Originally performed by The Osmonds]

There's a message floatin' in the air.
Comes from, Crazy horses ridin' everywhere.
It's a warning, it's in every tongue.
Gotta stop them crazy horses on the run.

[Chorus:]
What a show, there they go smokin' up the sky, yeah.
Crazy horses all got riders, and they're you and I.
Crazy horses [3x]

Never stop and they never die.
They just keep on puffin' how they multiply.
Crazy horses, will they never halt?
If they keep on movin' then it's all our fault.

[Repeat chorus]

So take a good look around, see what they've done, see what they've done --

Crazy horses. [repeat several times]

9. Enter Mr. Formica (Icky Ficky Pt. II)

It's been a while
Since you last met me Aeons ago
On ooh crikey,
Right back then
I was a boring git
Who had a social life
As rare as a rocking horse shit,
Bob fucking Catley
Was bardly the word Nuno Bettencourt
A right flamin' nerd,
But now I've returned
A true nineties bloke
Because I've risen my head
An even bigger joke,
My names Mr. Formica
My middle name is probably Keith
I've got my flash & Mr.Sheen
I am now armed to the teeth,
To cook the food
And watch the kids
Wash out the undies
Remove the skids,
Polish the windows
And then watch this morning
Go flower arranging
I'm right fuckin' boring,
The moral of this story
Is don't listen to bands who are shit
Like Magnum for example
'Cos you'll become a real wet git,
At the start of this song
My life had improved
But I've just realised
That it hasn't

10. Lawnmowers For Heroes, Comics For Zeros

I hate comics, they suck the big one,
I long for the day when marvel is long gone,
Comics are for pre-pubescent moronic slime
Who've got nothing better to do with their time,
The one I most hate is Superman,
An underpant wearing flying phallic gland,
On Krypton he collects his strength and girth,
I wish he'd been aborted at birth,
I hate Dan Dare and the Mekon with no hair,
They live in space,
I wish they'd stay up there, stupid comics full of space ships,
I'd rather read a magazine full of gardening tips,
Batman and Robin help people out a tight spot,
Batman and Robin so fucking what,
They live in Gotham, what do they want, a clap?
If they lived in Bradford they'd still be crap,
Swamp thing I really do despair,
Looks like a marshmallow with seaweed of hair,
What kind of hero is that supposed to be,
A walking giant sea anemone,
Come and join me in the human race,
Where there's no super heroes in cartoon space

11. Urban Surfer 125

Urban Surfer 125
You're not staying alive
Staying alive, staying alive, ah ha ha ha staying alive
You will not survive,
Fat Controller wearing bowler
Stroke the boiler
Jenny Agutter
Fat Controller wearing bowler
Stroke the boiler
Jenny Agutter,
Jump on the roof
Dislodge a tooth
You stupid youth
Climb on the ran
Get a sun tan
On the guards van
Oh no you are dead
You got a bridge right in the head,
Urban surfer 125
You're not staying alive
You will not survive,
Scum like you
Deserve to die
Squirting blood,
Ten foot high

12. A Is For Asswipe

All right me old asswipe
With your blinded vision
Starring out of your
Tunnelled blinkered world,
Narrow Mindered Blinkered Fool,
It's no surprise to me
That you can barely see
More than three or four feet
Right in front of thee,
Bigoted Pre-Concieved Ideas,
Yes you are a complete asswipe
A totally wild and dangerous man
Mixing and testing with ideology
Dealing your drugs and singing in bands,
Down on your luck, scraping for cash
Feeding the masses with polluted stash
Injecting the serum from you to the half-wit
The toxic milkshake will bulge out your wallet,
Ac-Cept Your Crime, OK me old asswipe
The system has decided
It won't here of this
They'll put a stop to it,
It's not good enough for you
To serve out national justice
You were right and they were wrong
So you'll become an anarchist,
Listen, sing in your band
A better life for a growing man
Don't preach your blinkered tribe
'Cos you are a grade
A asswipe,
You came
We saw
We laughed
In your face

13. Sorrow (So Dark, So Scared)

Oooh yeah
C'mon
Wolf child,
Cavernous
An opening expanse
Circle it
With a macabre dance
Ridicule
That troubled furrow
Wipe away
Those tears of sorrow
Sorrow
So dark
So scared
Sorrow,
Oooh yeah
C'mon
Wolf child

14. Goldfish Podge

Goldfish podge
Keeper of the deep
Knows to take
His two vedge and meat,
Give him burgers
In a nice fresh bun
Set the cat on him
See the fucker run,
Knick
Knack paddy wack
Give the fish a bone
You fat bastard
Your stomach's really grown,
Here comes H
He's captain golden golden fry
Gonna pop you with his fork
And turn you into pie,
You stupid fool
You should have know
A goldfish shouldn't
Weigh ten stone

15. R.F.Potts

A four core cable with a copper screen
It a makes me melt
A like a warm ice cream
A three pin plug with a negative earth
Watch me swell to an amazing girth
Watch me swell to an amazing girth,
Red one
Green one
It doesn't really matter
Makes my orgasms
Come with a real splatter
Come with a real splatter,
Electrical highways, bulging with power
The positive charges would make some cower
Talking wiring makes some folk tire
But I'd give all for a bit of wire
But I'd give all for a bit of wire,
-death grunt-
A soldered joint I say hey that's nice
A connecting plug &
I'll look twice
Blue
Tack frenzy is what we need
To make one really chuck my seed
To make one really chuck my seed,
The thing about my little fetish
Is that when I feel
I'm getting a little peckish
For a flex of multicore fantasy spanking
I look in the TV for some wire wanking
I look in the TV for some wire wanking

16. Wormy Eyes

17. Be Scene, Not Heard

Scene, What scene?

18. Egg Sandwich

Two slices of bread
Loads of butter
A big fat egg
What's that make?
Egg sandwich

19. Anyone For Tinnies

It's the time
Last orders chime
Closing time,
Toll the bell,
Don't panic,
Last order bell,
Before I roam I feel my mouth
Begin to foam,
It's not too late
To get some tins
Seal my fate, I need to quench my raging thirst
There's plenty more cash in my purse
I say bartender, re-open the bar straight away
I believe a lock-in is order of the day,
ANY ONE FOR LOCK-INS
I don't see why Landlords got the buff
Lock-ins are great
I was perfectly chuffed
I was perfectly chuffed,
Why is be wielding that hat
The one of the baseball variety
This puts pay to my play
The twist of my sobriety,
Well that did nothing for my nerves
What a terrible fright
I'll go and find a liquor store
In the dead of the night
Anyone for tinnies
There's ducks in my mouth
An alcoholic drought
My nerves are in tatters
Inebriation is all that matters,
What is the problem with the world
All I want is to have a drink
Pour that brew right down my neck
I don't ask much I don't think,
So off we go, back to my place
Open my fridge and peer within
On comes the light, look round the lettuce
My fridge is full, it's tinnies heaven,
Grab a four pack and a few tins more
On with the telly, slump on the floor
The Hitman and Her I thankfully missed
Who gives a sod, I'm totally pissed

20. King Of The Pharaohs

Pointy
Pyramids
Tornado planes
War ensemble
Jesus saves,
Sensationalism
Video stars just for a cheap buck you pushed too far

21. Illinois Enema Bandit

I'm a sick and perverted man I get my kicks with a watering can
A length of hose to make things flow
A one man anal fountain show,
A bowel of water to be let out
Let me pull on your sphinctal spout,
I'm the Illinois enema bandit
I will make your rectum sick
I'm the Illinois enema bandit
I will make your rectum sick,
I'm a sick and perverted man
I get my kicks with a watering can
A length of hose to make things flow
A one man anal fountain show,
Administer young women
In a novel way
It's quite amusing to see
What the papers say
The next morning
On the girlie's tunnel
I leave my calling card
On her anal funnel

22. Fookin' Moo Vit

Ay ay ay,
Fookin' moo vit







LAWNMOWER DETH LYRICS