MELVINS LYRICS

1. Plethysmograph

If Stewart talked, what would he say?
Enough to keep you here ten more years
Where we zap ya with our 'therapy'
Throw the switch on your fantasies

With our little electric ring
Clamped around your love thang
Flash ya pictures, Clockwork Orange-style
Let's see what makes Stewart smile

Yow! Yow! Yow! Try not to expand
Yow! Yow! Yow! Don't trip the Plethysmograph

If the machine catches you erect
Ain't no way you're getting' outta here
Back to aversion therapy
As we watch our toys watch you

Flood your face with ammonia gas
And scent of rotting placentas
Little electric shock or two
This is how we cure you

Yow! Yow! Yow! Don't let it expand
Yow! Yow! Yow! Can't trick the Plethysmograph

Little girls and boys, Panties past their thighs
Try not to rise 3 strokes you're out!

Comely amputees scratch themselves for fleas
Down at Muscle Beach 3 strokes you're out

Grand Wizard Newt in a sailor suit
Dancing with a flute
3 strokes you're out!

Brazilian babes titties made of clay
Spread their waxy legs for Great Danes

Who invents this stuff? Do their kids join cults?
What do they fantasize to get themselves off

Wanna see child porn? Join the vice squad
In the name of correction we play with all we want

Nothing is private any more
Lie detectors were never this fun
Says the Attorney General Man
As he ends the morning prayer meeting

Back to his office for electronic ring
Clamps it on his sinful thang
Rewind the tape, lemme see some more
So I can feel my eagle soar

Yow! Yow! Yow! He's speaking in tongues
Yow! Yow! Yow! Now he can't shut it off
Yow! Yow! Yow! Crashing through the glass
Yow! Yow! Yow! Praise the Plethysmograph

2. McGruff The Crime Dog

Thank you, Osama
You are the savior
Of our economy today
Now that the dot coms
Choked on their stock frauds
Goldmine's Homeland Security

Why not hire half the country
To spy on the other half?
No more unemployment
Or privacy enjoyment
Think of the dividends

Who can we trust?
We trust McGruff The Crime Dog
Our O.G. TV Narc

Since you've accepted being drug tested
At work, At school, At play, At home
You'll each rejoice at
Your new companion
Who follows you everywhere you go

Always dressed in a trenchcoat
And a McGruff doggie mask
Never know who they are
Kuz you know better than to ask

Who can we trust?
We trust McGruff The Crime Dog
Total Awareness

He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for the sake of
McGruff the Crime Dog
Watching your every move
Your guardian angel in a doggie mask

In bed while you're asleep
No home invasions
Beside you when you get it on
No date rape

Stick a thumbtack up your butt
When you're slacking on the job
Together
We will protect our way of life

Report all suspicious activity
Turn in your friends
Keep your home terrorist free

Take a Bite Out of Crime
Take a Bite Out of Crime!

3. Yuppie Cadillac

Cruisin' down the freeway
Slupin' latte in my BM'er Roadster
I won for being Sales Rep of the Week
At my now failed dot.com

Then it happens again
S.U.V. damn near killed me
They made the roads so unsafe
I bought me one the very next day

Why do I eat up so much gas?
Why do I cut you off to pass?
What do I drive like such an ass?
Because I can!

Yuppie Yuppie Yuppie Cadillac

But I need my armored luxury tank
To drive to work and drive home
Keep my children safe
As I run down yours
While I talk on my cell phone

Better you than me,
Got important places to be
School, soccer, psychiatrist,
And then the wine boutique

Why do I flaunt my upper class?
Hogging two parking spaces
Why do I act like such an ass?
No boundaries, man

Yuppie Yuppie Yuppie Cadillac

Blow them up! Key their hoods!
Run them out of the neighborhood
Melt them down for Blue Chip scrap
War for oil? Draft them!

Got a big hummer with monster tires
It's the latest craze
When S.U.V.s are not enough
To break a traffic jam

Up and over I go
My terminator crushing cars below
I'm late for a meeting
More important than yours
My Krispy Kremes are getting cold #! **#!

What is it 'bout the Navigator
Escalade, Suburban, Explorer, Yukons
That brings out the road-rage macho dick
In everybody who drives one

Icy curves, slow down
'Nother pathfinder found it's way to Hell
What a great way to think the herd
But why should we have to share the road with

Yuppie Yuppie Yuppie Cadillac

4. Islamic Bomb

The sun sets on the desert
Of Thee Evil Empire
The seeds of Mass Destruction
Are still very much alive
All we got were lousy weapons
Piled up from the Cold War
The free market wrecked our country
To the black market we go
Hand grenades way up to nuke toys
From Afghanistan to Latvia
We will sell to anyone
Who wants the Bomb

So the conga line of missiles
Dances out of storage sites
Past the checkpoints left abandoned
Kuz the guards all took a bribe
And on all the hot spots
Gettin' tired of being stomped on
By great satans and their neighbors
This will change if we have the bomb
Spread gift-wrapped do-it-yourself kits
Pay our debts to the World Bank
Before you can say Islam
Before you can say Saddam
Who's got the bomb? Islamic Bomb

For a real Axis of Evil
Keep an eye on free enterprise
Like our top secret project
At a warehouse right in town
No one here knows all the details
We just ship components out
Selling to the highest bidder
If we don't, someone else will

To third parties in Third countries
You can't stop what you can't find
This is what we wanted all along
Now the arms race can go on and on
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1

Piss ant little countries
They were getting in our way
Trying to claim their soil's riches
Tellin us we have to pay
So we tricked their wacky rulers
To go wipe each other out
Russian Roulette regime change
In a sea of mushroom clouds
Dying peasants slave at gunpoint
All their oil is finally ours

Life will never be
Quite like it was
Hide in our Green Zones
Til Jesus comes
But we fixed you all
With Thee Islamic Bomb

5. Enchanted Thoughtfist

I am a product of the television age
Zoom in on what's important
Get the point right away
A modern lack of patience
is it a virtue?
Hardly ever read books
devours easily few

I say it again
We all believe what we want to believe
Don't just question authority
Question everything

Felt I had to confess
In Ginsberg's apartment
My literary background's mostly songs and cartoons
He said 'Oh, that's just fine'
I sort of felt relieved
But when I hurl my word bombs
How much should be believed?

I say it again
We all believe what we want to believe
Don't just question authority
Don't forget to question me!
Oh yeah, that's right
it takes nights
with insight

The pressure of being taken seriously
breathing down on me
to keep up with my extremes
and keep on planting seeds
joyous sabotage
so far so good
now where do we go from here?
it always feels weird
when people come up to me
and say I changed their lives
I say 'Now it's your turn to start a fire!' Fire!
Start your own fire
Bring the world fire

6. Caped Crusader

When I die you will find
My body clean and shaved
Do not touch my genitals
Without gloves on your hands
Let no one come near me
If they are female
Watch on my left hand
Perfume made just for men
Purify my soul from unclean things

Pray all night
Sharpen knives to slaughter swift and clean
Prophet says the animal should not feel any pain
Oh God forgive me for all my sins
The time of fun and waste has gone
Judgment has arrived
Wedding in paradise
The black-eyed virgins call
Come hither, friend of god

God is great God is love
We must kill infidels

I don't care if I do
What's right in the sight of men
Important thing is for me
To do right in God's sight
Annoint me with cooking oil
I'm Daniel in the Den
Baby killers and calico cats
You shall feel my wrath

Yeh yeh-eh Yeh-eh God is Great
Yeh yeh-eh Yeh-eh God is Love
No No-o God but God
We must kill in-fi-dels.

I am ready to become a martyr
Give the most precious thing I have
Fight with my heart to the last drop
Of blood... Blood

Why do we hate you so
To blow ourselves up to blow up you
Every time you bomb our lands
It might be time for you to ask
What will their kids be like?
What will their kids be like?

Killin' time, blending in
A smile and a paper hat
Feel jihad each time I ask
Would you like fries with that?
Our Bruce Wayne, complete with cave
Dispatched crime-fighting bats
Think like me for a minute or three
You'll come up with a way
To slip right though your gates

You'll never be secure
You'll never be secure
There is no God
But God

7. The Lighter Side Of Global Terror

Can I touch you here?
May I search your bags?
You have randomly been selected
Got a funny name and you look the part
Plus, I like the way
You bulge in your clothes

Yehhhh I love my job
Rock bottom pay never felt so hot
Big man, uniform and badge
Pedophile Santas ain't got nothin' on me

I love to feel sexy things
Other people's sexy things
I love to peek at people's things
Other people's private things

When I was young and someone's guest
I'd find a way to sneak upstairs
Peek in the closet, paw through the drawers
And feel a tingle up from below

Oh, how I love to find
New playthings for my mind
I file these thoughts away
Until I go on break
When I can finally touch myself

See your shiny jewels
On your neck and wrists
They could be weapons
We must play safe

So fork 'em over,
Or you're under arrest
Maybe you should have checked them
In your suitcase

Meanwhile, down below
What have we here?
Let's open this one up
Pills! Cash! Electronics to fence
Let's see you prove they were there
In the first place

Who is that behind
The one way mirror blind
Just little ol' me
And my non-dairy creme
Gotta wipe it up and go select
Someone new
Wooo!

8. Dawn Of The Locusts

We are the locusts
And it's time for the plague
The Chick tracts and gun nuts
Warned you was here

Profiled as bad seeds
Since before we could read
Monkey wrenching world orders
Is how we party

Red alert, orange alert
Every flavor of Fruit loops alert
Your precious way of life
Is under attack from inside

We won't buy and we'll try
To rot your house of cards
From the inside out

Sacred Corporate logos
Are the new swastikas
To the proud to be
Patriotically incorrect hordes

Deep fried society
Has gone to the wolves
While we eat away
From inside the bones

Gnaw Gnaw Nibble Nibble
Chew Devour Scrape Deflower
They know who we are
So why not just get worse?

We won't buy and we'll try
To torch all you hold dear
From the inside out

We've come for your children
We've come for your friends
To save them from becoming
Respectable citizens

A prank a day
Keeps the dogleash away
Join the new Boston Tea Party

You can't have us, You can't have us
You can't have our money
You can't have our time
You can't have our souls
You can't have our lives

Termites are loose in the house of cards
Rise! RISE!
All hail the Magic Plague





MELVINS LYRICS